


Lover: The Diary

by mw4vt9



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Mentions of mature content in a few chapters related to sexual experiences but minimal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23993380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mw4vt9/pseuds/mw4vt9
Summary: When Lena’s daughter finds a diary that she kept for many, many years, she finds herself reading it to their granddaughter and other members of the family.  It’s a reminder of beautiful and happy and painful memories, but it’s a story that needs to be told.  It starts from high school, the day they met, and tells the story of their romance and heartaches, rounding out how they got where they are today.Chapters are named after and inspired by songs from Taylor Swift’s “Lover” album.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 20
Kudos: 95





	1. The Man

**Author's Note:**

> Character Details:  
> Alex Danvers - 65 years old  
> Lena Luthor - 64 years old  
> Jeremiah Alexander Danvers - Alex and Lena’s son, 37 years old, not married, no children.  
> Taylor Danvers Olsen - Alex and Lena’s daughter, 33 years old, married to the son of James Olsen, one child Lilly.  
> Lilly Alexandra Olsen - Alex and Lena’s grandchild, 4 years old, Taylor is her Mother  
> Kara Danvers - 58 years old

“Grandma?” Lena’s four year old granddaughter says softly, walking up to her holding a teddy bear in one hand and a blanket trailing behind her, clutched tightly.

“You should be asleep baby,” Lena speaks softly, turning to her.

“I missed you,” Lilly says, smiling a smile that’s missing two teeth right in the front.

Lena lets Lilly snuggle into her lap, curling up carefully.

“What are you reading?” Lilly asks.

“This,” Lena says, opening the book, “was my diary. Your Mommy found it today, and I just wanted to read through some of it.”

“Will you read it to me?”

“Sure baby,” Lena tells her, opening the book that she knows is going to send her down a memory lane that is beautiful and painful and full of love.

_Sunday, August 22nd, 2004_

_My junior year at Johnston Preparatory School starts tomorrow. I’m nervous, just a little really. Sure, I’ll know most of my classmates, but there’s always something about the first day of a new school year, filled with ostentatious nonsense. Move in last week had gone smoothly, Mom is clearly happy to get rid of me for the year. Dad had smiled sweetly like he always did before rushing off to take a phone call. Typical._

_Junior year feels stressful already, having fielded questions all summer about college and the future. I’m not excited to get my driver’s license this year the second I’m halfway through my sixteenth year. Not even a little bit I’m not counting down the days, but I do have it marked on my calendar. I’m not going to act childish over something so routine._

_It’s late so I should sleep._

_Lena Luthor_

“What’s in a diary grandma?” Lilly asks from her place on Lena’s lap.

“You just write whatever you want honey. You can write what you’re thinking, what you feel, things that happen, anything you want,” Lena tells her.

“Why do you write your name at the end? Don’t you know it’s you writing it?”

Lena laughs softly. “You don’t have to baby. You just can if you want.”

The nod she gets means that Lilly wants her to keep reading.

_Monday, August 23rd, 2004_

_Diary, I have a lot to tell you about today. Lex told me when he gave me this that I should be as detailed as possible so I’m going to try to do that._

_I woke up early today, wanting to get showered and make sure that I had everything before getting coffee at the student center._

_My first class of the morning was Classical Literature with the same people that I’ve been taking classes with since I started here in kindergarten. At least, it was, until our instructor introduced a new student. Alexandra Danvers. I’d heard about her vaguely, a scholarship student that was going to lead us to our first ever soccer championship something. I can’t remember what. I’d seen the way the other girls sneered about her, no doubt turning their noses up at a scholarship student, when we all found out she was joining us via e-mail over the summer. She wasn’t rich, as simple as that. She had gotten in on grades and sports alone, and that rubbed some people here the wrong way. Money ran deep and old here, and the lies it created meant much more than friendships and relationships. There are many that still think this education is for the rich and powerful only._

_Back to Alexandra Danvers. She came into the classroom looking just like someone would in a magazine that was styled like a edgy jock in a prep school uniform. Our uniforms have changed since last year. Now, you can wear khaki pants or a skirt._

“Now wait a minute,” Lilly interjects, “you couldn’t wear pants?”

Giggling at how scandalized the child is, Lena smiles at her. “It was just because of the uniform being a bit old fashioned. That’s all.”

Lilly nods and looks back at the diary.

_The pants weren’t an option last year. Tops were a bit more extensive before this year, but we have the most choices ever now. We can wear a sweater with the school logo, a polo with the school logo, a blouse with the school logo, and even a t-shirt with the school logo when given permission by the headmaster. Today I kept it pretty traditional with the skirt and blouse, the style I’ve worn for most of my time here. I’d never even questioned shoes, always opting for nice flats, but now I wonder if we actually have a requirement for shoes. Anyway, whatever any of that was didn’t seem to matter to Alexandra Danvers. She came into class wearing blue converse tennis shoes barely tied, khaki pants that definitely hadn’t been ironed, and the school sweater. What was different was that the sweater had a white button up under it and a loosely knotted blue tie. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen any other student wear a tie here. After all, all girls school and all. Alex’s button up hung under the sweater, something that she didn’t even bother to tuck in. She looked like she rolled out of bed like that, clothes a little wrinkled and askew, but it was in that effortless, dead sexy way that looks like someone didn’t try too hard even if they did. Her hair, a red undercut swept to the side, was also something that stuck out. Only one other girl here has red hair._

_She’d sat down, pulled out a notebook and looked at the teacher like all eyes in the entire room weren’t on her._

_The teacher asked her to tell everyone about herself. She said, “I go by Alex. I’m from California. I like surfing, playing soccer, and playing guitar,” then she’d sat down like it really was nothing._

_What happened next is what has me sitting here, spending my time writing about her._

_The instructor said the first thing we’d discuss in this class was Shakespeare, calling it the highest art of the time. Alex had openly scoffed and covered her mouth when she realized she did, but it was too late for her._

_“Please, Ms. Danvers,” Mrs. Goodsmith said, “elaborate on that.”_

_Then, Alex had launched into her answer that consisted of an explanation that theater at that time had been like an open air mosh pit with drinking and fighting, that the spectators were poor, and typically the plays were held there, outside of the town limits, so they wouldn’t upset the King and get their heads cut off. She’d talked about how the scenery and staging was shit (getting admonished immediately for the word) which was why the words had been so elaborate. She’d ended it by saying, “it’s brilliant, but it was hardly high art at the time.”_

_That was the first time in the day that Alex had openly challenged a teacher and won._

_The second time was in Psychology, that started with the classic introduction of Sigmund Freud. Our professor, a very elderly white man, immediately seemed to notice that Alex wasn’t paying attention as he rambled on leading to him hitting his yard stick against her desk, but it didn’t change anything. Alex still seemed to be drifting off until he asked her about it._

_“Miss Danvers, please tell me why you look so uninterested in this topic?”_

_Then, Alex had responded with something that I think will go down in history as the best words ever spoken at this school. She said, “I don’t know why we’re learning about Freud still. He wasn’t a scientist. He started with a theory, worked backwards, sought out tidbits to reinforce his beliefs, and called people psychologically ill who presented anything that disagreed with that.”_

_The third time was in Biology when Alex had insisted that the most recent scientific literature indicated that the pain from osteoarthritis wasn’t structural damage but due to changes in flow to the microvasculature of the region._

_I learned three things about her today.  
1\. Alex works in black and white. Facts are facts, and if she’s going to talk about it, Alex knows what the facts are.  
2\. Alex loves research. Scientific discovery and methods being a major sticking point for her.  
3\. She’s smart as well. And most noticeably, sexy as hell._

_Last year I’d wondered if I leaned more towards the bisexual end of the sexuality spectrum, instead of just straight._

_Now, I know it._

_Hopefully I can learn something this year instead of drooling over her._

_Lena Luthor_

“You had a crush on Nana,” Lilly teases like she’s discovered a big secret.

“You know that silly. That’s why we got married and had your Mommy and your Uncle Jeremiah,” Lena tells her.

Lilly yawns then, snuggling into Lena deeper.

As Lena is about to suggest that she goes to bed, Alex and their daughter, Taylor, walk in.

“I’ve got her,” Alex says, sixty five years old and still able to scoop the child up, place a kiss to her wife’s head, and carry her off.

“What are you doing Mom?” Taylor asks.

“Reading the diary you found,” Lena tells her, eyes misty with the memories the first two entries had caused.

“You should sleep,” Taylor says. “You know Lilly is going to be up at dawn wanting you to read it to her.”

Lena smiles at her daughter, setting the diary aside to stand up.

By the time she gets in bed, Alex is already there, ready to lift the covers and wrap Lena in her arms.

It’s been a long road from that first day until now.

She can’t wait to relieve it, especially with her family.


	2. I Think He Knows

Lena is able to get Lilly to get exactly one pancake, four blueberries, and half a banana in her mouth before she’s insisting that Lena continue reading the diary.

By the time Lena is seated in her chair in the living room, Alex and Taylor have joined them, both with steaming cups of coffee in their hands.

“Kara will be here soon,” Taylor says. “We’re going to wait for her Lilly.”

Luckily, Taylor isn’t as vulnerable to the Lilly pout as Lena is or she’d be reading right now. It doesn’t take Kara long to get there before she’s joining them in the living room, everyone turned to Lena as she opens the diary to where she left off the night before.

Lena skips over two entries, certain that Lilly doesn’t want to hear about her dramatic retelling of a phone fight with Lex over more of his absolute nonsense. She also doesn’t need to know or hear about the lack of contact in those first few weeks from her great grandparents. Granny Lillian had died only a year ago. All Lilly had ever seen her as was the sweet woman who lived in a skilled nursing facility and always had candy and stories to tell. Lena had already mentioned how quickly Lillian wanted her back at boarding school. She didn’t want to further tarnish the child’s love for her great grandmother.

When she gets to the entry that she’s going to read, she can’t help but chuckle, knowing almost immediately what this one is about.

_Wednesday, September 8, 2004_

_I’m almost certain that Alex knows I have a crush on her._

_Well, I was almost certain this morning until the entire day unfolded, and now I know, without a shadow of a doubt that she knows._

_She’s just so intelligent in a confident and steadfast way that my father would love and that makes my heart flutter in my chest every single time she speaks in class._

_Let me start at the beginning._

_We have A, B, and C class days. Monday and Wednesday are A days. Tuesday and Thursday are B days. Friday is C day with that being elective class day. Well, mostly. Luckily for me, I have classes with Alex every single day even though it’s just one on Friday. A day consists of classical literature, psychology, biology, and geometry. B day consists of world history, organic chemistry, scientific writing, and sociology. C day for all juniors is only three classes, down from the four of last year, and one step closer to the two we’ll have next year. The one Alex and I share is…_

“This is boring,” Lilly whines, causing Taylor to admonish her quietly while the other adults laugh.

“I’m getting there honey,” Lena tells her. “I promise.”

_The one Alex and I share is our required recreational class that is designed for independent exercise of some sort but still something we have to attend. I have French and physics while Alex has Spanish and computer science._

_Worst of all, we’ve barely spoken more than ten words to each other, but I’ll tell you all the reasons that she knows about my crush._

_This morning she made eye contact with me when she walked into our classical literature class and even looked at me while she discussed the implication of the passion and perils of young love in Romeo and Juliet._

_In the hallway, she picked up my pen for me when I dropped it with a crooked smile that made my heart flutter in my chest._

_In psychology, she sits in the row next to mine and one seat behind, and I could almost feel her eyes burning a hole in the back of my neck during class. Surely, it was only conjecture. Probably hopeful conjecture but still enough to make me wonder if she actually was looking at me or not._

_At lunch, Alex had been sitting with the soccer team, just far enough away that she wasn’t right next to them but close enough that they could speak to her if they wished. A conflict clearly existed in the rest of them, unable to accept the teammate that made them better due to pedigree and money, but I can’t help but notice that more of them are talking to Alex now._

_I sit with Sam and Kelly like I always have._

_I think they’re starting to notice my staring._

_Alex had all but given me a heart attack in biology when she turned around in her desk chair to look at me. I’d been staring at the back of her head for twenty minutes when the teacher insisted that we partner up for the sake of having someone to read our papers that are due in a few weeks. The conversation went exactly like this._

_“Can we, uh, be patterns?” Alex asked me quickly. I saw three heads snap towards Alex. For all their dislike of her bank account statistics, they all recognized how smart she was._

_I cut my eyes at Kelly and Sam who were already talking to each other. When Sam nodded towards me, head inclining towards Alex, I knew I should say yes._

_“What’s your topic?” Alex asked._

_“Vaccination. Yours?”_

_“Boosting the immune system,” Alex tells me, that same little smile on her face._

_“I’ve got practice on Saturday until three, but maybe I could come by after that and we could work on it?”_

_“Sounds good,” had literally been the only thing that I could think of to say. Then, she’d turned around like the conversation never happened._

_I didn’t think about anything else but Alex during geometry._

_The moment I knew that she knew about my little crush was when classes were over. We’d packed up, grabbed our things, and headed for the door._

_My plan was to go back to my room, do some reading, and relax for the evening._

_Then, she’d been right next to me in the hallway like she’d appeared there, something I didn’t even consider._

_“What building are you in?” Alex asked me, dare I say looking a little nervous. “Just so I know where to come on Friday.”_

_“I’m in Shewell Hall,” I told her, pointing across the campus to my building._

_“I’m in Davidson,” Alex says, head inclining in the opposite direction to the dorms that sit right beside the athletic fields. It’s about as far from my building as anything else on campus, but it makes sense considering that all the athletes live there._

_We reach the path that divides two directions, one going towards Alex’s and one towards mine._

_It had been so awkward to stand there for just a second before that easy smile Alex always has had spread across her face._

_Then, she’d winked at me before she turned to walk away._

_Two things here. One, I definitely have a crush on Alex Danvers. Two, she absolutely knows about it._

_Fuck._

_Lena Luthor_

“Bad word,” Lilly squeals a millisecond after the word is out of Lena’s mouth. 

“I’ll never forget that day,” Alex says from the sofa. “I so badly wanted to ask if you wanted to do homework together, but I only had an hour before practice.”

“I would have panicked and said no,” Lena tells her honestly.

“I never would have asked,” Alex says, both of their eyes glassy with memories.

“Oh please. Even at that point we all knew about the Alex Danvers confidence,” Lena teases her.

“Not around pretty girls,” Kara and Alex say at the same time.

It’s quiet for a second before Taylor pulls a giggling Lilly into her lap.

“Alright missy. We need to do something outside.”

“Let her read one more story, please?” Lilly begs, pulling out the puppy eyes that she got from her Aunt Kara that has Lena already flipping the page.”

“One more,” she tells Lilly.

_Friday, September 10, 2004_

_Alex rolled her sleeves up on her t-shirt today during recreation time during the basketball game some girls were playing, and my brain is no longer working. I’m absolutely certain that I failed my physics quiz and have the slightest clue what the French lesson was today, but it was absolutely worth it to get to see the curve of her arms, the way her muscles flexed._

_That had been perfect until Elizabeth, the bane of my existence, had noticed where my eyes where._

_“Does Lena Luthor have eyes for the plebeian?” Elizabeth asked, her mean girl pose of Catherine and Katie turning with her to look at Lena._

_“What did you do this summer?” Elizabeth continued, “spend some time with the freaks in New York City?”_

_“Stop Elizabeth,” Kelly says, moving between the two of them._

_“I knew you were low Luthor,” she continues anyway, “but I didn’t take you for a lesbian.”_

_Sam must notice the altercation from the basketball court where she’s playing because she comes over, immediately getting into Elizabeth’s face._

_It’s enough to make Elizabeth step back._

_Sam doesn’t even have to say anything before they’re walking away, knowing that Sam isn’t the one to be challenged._

_“Don’t mind those assholes,” Sam said._

_“I’m not going to even entertain their nonsense,” I’d told her, but the comments had hurt. The reality of my crush on Alex seeming to crash down around me._

_Lillian wouldn’t accept a gay daughter. Lex sees romantic relationships as frivolous. Dad probably wouldn’t even care to know. (Lena skipped over reading this part to Lilly, again not wanting to hurt her feelings when Lillian, Lionel, and Lex had changed so much over the years)._

_But here, in this place, it would matter the most. My family money and intellect gives me a top spot in this school. With the family’s yearly donation, I get a lot of control here._

_But, these are still the children of conservatives. Children who haven’t formed their own opinions yet, children who haven’t had Kelly and Sam who grew up in very liberal homes, telling them the other sides combat the GOP hive mind of her parents._

_They hadn’t had an openly gay student that she knew about. They certainly didn’t have a very gay friendly attitude amongst the students._

_Anything outside what they considered to be normal was to be feared, ignored, mocked if necessary, and kept deep down for the sake of the integrity and reputation of the family._

_It made my eyes sting with tears, but it was enough to make me mindful of how I looked at Alex._

_It was also what made me ask her if we could meet at the library to do schoolwork on Saturday instead of in my room._

_It didn’t stop me swooning over her with each brilliant thing she said, each time she held a door open for one of the professors, or each time she sent that crooked grin my way._

_“If you like her,” Sam had said, “who cares?”_

_I wish it was that easy._

_Lena Luthor_

By the time Lena is done reading, Lilly is restless with energy, leaving her zipping outside immediately with her Mom and Kara on her heels, her squeals of delight heard throughout the house.

“You never told me that was why,” Alex says, standing up so that she can pull Lena into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I shouldn’t have been so scared. Those girls were just awful.”

“They never really said anything to me about being gay. It wasn’t like I hid it, but I didn’t walk around in rainbow glitter either. I guess they were mean to me by never including me and ignoring my existence,” Alex laughs, but there is bitterness to it.

“This,” Lena says, looking up into the eyes of the woman she loves, “is all that matters.”

Alex kisses her, soft and sweet, the bad memories melting away.

__

Before lunch is ready they’re joined by Jeremiah whose sister had told him about the stories, and he didn’t want to miss it.

They all listen to Lilly regale her father via phone about the stories Lena had told already. He’s in Afghanistan on a government contract, has been for six months, and will be for another three. It’s the reason Lilly and Taylor are living with Lena and Alex now, wanting the child to be able to get through the time. She missed her father terribly, but she had her Nana and Grandma to entertain her which helped a lot.

“Daddy, Grandma is going to read another one. Can you hear it?” She asks, voice clear with excitement.

“No, baby, Daddy has to go,” David says.

“It’s ok,” Lilly tells him, putting on her brave face. “I’ll tell you the story when we talk later.”

Lilly has a tear in her eye by the time everyone has said I love you to David, but she wipes it away, bites on her trembling little bottom lip, and looks up with resolve like the little rockstar she is.

“Last one today,” Lena says, opening the diary to read the next entry.

_Saturday, September 11, 2004_

_I was ready to spend a few hours in the library working with Alex Danvers._

_What I wasn’t ready for was Alex coming into the library, hair still wet from the shower she’d taken after practice, wearing loose fitting shorts and a t-shirt, holding a coffee in each hand. She handed it to me with that same effortless smile._

_We sat quietly at first, reading each other’s papers. She was brilliant of course, but reading her work made it clear. Her work flowed with the words of someone who knew what they were talking about and knew how to explain it._

_We went over our papers, talking about typos and places that sentences could flow better. Alex pointed out places that I needed to cite more evidence while I pointed out the places that Alex got a little more passionate about the subject than factual._

_Alex touched my hand multiple times during the exchange._

_And Alex smiled that effortless smile too that was beginning to give me more and more butterflies._

_But I still noticed the looks from the others in the room each time we laughed a little too loud._

_I was hyper aware how close she got to me even though I wanted her to be closer._

_I was ashamed of it. Even though I’m loathe to admit it._

_She walked me back to my room, with her hands in her pockets and her head turned up towards the sky, still talking about our papers like she truly was more interested in my paper than her own._

_We were both going to get an A._

_I knew that. Now, there was something else I knew too._

_I wanted to be so much more than friends with Alex Danvers._

_And that, that is never going to happen._

_I’m not in the mood to talk more about how this makes me feel right now._

_Lena Luthor_

“People should be more nicer to each other,” Lilly says when Lena is done. She’d debated on not reading the story to Lilly in the first place, but it was such an integral part to her story.

“They really do,” Kara says. She reaches down to pick Lilly up, getting the child excited about the book they’re going to go read. Taylor leaves the room after them, wanting to make sure Lilly doesn’t have any other questions.

“Please tell me there are some happy memories in there,” Jeremiah says.

“You wouldn’t exist if there weren’t,” Alex tells him, that same smile that Lena had mentioned multiple times in her diary on her face, the smile that was etched across Jeremiah’s exactly the same.

Lena closes the diary, knowing what’s coming, and so ready to tell the details of it all to her family.


	3. Cruel Summer

It’s a gentle kiss on Lena’s head that wakes her up, her body sore from being still for so long to sleep. She stretches her legs, leaning heavily into Alex’s chest. The arm around her wraps around her tighter, Alex placing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

Lena’s about to lean up to give Alex the morning kiss that she’s given her for years now. She’s almost at Alex’s lips when the door cracks open, the sound of three small foot falls makes it clear who it is before Lilly launches herself into the bed.

There is shuffling of body parts as Lilly lands somewhere between them, her weight painful on Alex’s bladder, her toes digging into Lena’s knees.

“Come read Grandma,” Lilly squeals, voice too loud for this time in the morning.

“Get up Nana,” she says, turning that pout on Alex.

“I can’t get up when you’re on top of me,” Alex tells her, leading to Lilly springing from the bed. She’s out the door before Alex has time to say more.

Lena leans in then, placing a delicate kiss to Alex’s lips.

“So much for what I wanted to do this morning,” Alex teases, voice husky with sleep, that same crooked smile on her face that has driven Lena wild for years and years.

Lena kisses her again before she starts to get up, leaving Alex grinning at her.

Lena’s small audience of Kara, Alex, Lilly, and Taylor are gathered around, insisting that it’s ok to start without Jeremiah since he won’t be joining them until the afternoon.

Lena opens the book carefully, thumbing through the pages to get to the place she’d been last.

_Tuesday, September 14, 2004_

_Alex did her presentation in our scientific writing class today about how “there is no evidence to suggest” were the most dangerous words in evidence based medicine._

_Talking about the evidentiary bases of the US Preventive Services Task Force wasn’t sexy, ever. At least I thought it wasn’t._

_Until Alex was standing in front of the class talking about it._

_Then, when she walked back towards her desk to sit down, she winked at me._

_Winked. I can’t even believe it._

_She has a lot of nerve._

_Idiot._

_Lena Luthor_

“Grandma called you no idiot,” Lilly teases, giggling and pointing at Alex.

“Lilly,” Taylor warns, her Mom glare she got straight from Lena in full force.

“I didn’t think Nana was an idiot,” Lena tells her. “She’s a lovable idiot.”

“Mom,” Taylor scolds, giving Lena that same Mom look that Lena had sent her way many, many times in her life.

“Your favorite idiot,” Alex says, leaning over to kiss Lena’s cheek.

“I can’t with you two,” Taylor says, shaking her head.

_Tuesday, September 28, 2004_

_Alex asked me to sit with her at lunch tomorrow._

_Me and her. At lunch. Tomorrow. Together._

_I don’t even think I answered actually._

_Lena Luthor_

_Wednesday, September 29, 2004_

_I did it. I had lunch with Alex today. We sat with Kelly and Sam as well, but they mostly let Alex and I talk. Kelly, being clearly a better friend than Sam, was there for back up. She asked questions when I got quiet. She made sure to bring up things that she thought Alex needed to know about me. They were all things to make me look good. Sam, on the other hand, was there to be an absolute shit, give me hell, and do her damndest to make me look bad. I wanted to sling her across the room by the end of lunch. I might never speak to her again. She didn’t do anything specific but the constant teasing has been enough. I love her, but I want to kill her._

_I learned so many things about Alex today._

_She’s from Midvale, California. She had zero interest in leaving California to come to Connecticut to go to school here. What had persuaded her was knowing that this was a place that UCLA, Stanford, and Penn State all recruited from. That was currently Alex’s plan, to get a full scholarship to play soccer in college._

_She loved surfing and had a scar down her side from a battle she lost with the fin of her board and a very large rock. Kelly asked for details on what happened. Sam insisted that Alex show us the scar. I got the privilege of Sam snapping her fingers in front of my face when Alex finally lifted her shirt to show us. Again, what a little shit._

“Nana,” Lilly says, voice full of concern, “is your scar ok?”

“Yes, baby,” Alex says, calming her instantly. “I was young when I got hurt, but it looked way worse than it was.”

It takes Lilly clamoring into Alex’s lap, always her fearless protector, for Lilly to look less concerned than she had moments ago. The sight always melts Lena’s heart.

“I’m ok baby. I promise,” Alex tells Lilly, leaving a delicate kiss on her head.

It’s quiet for a second as Lilly settles into Alex’s lap.

Lena continues to read when she gets a nod from Alex.

_Alex came out two years ago. It’d barely been a passing issue between her and her parents, and I know that would be a totally different story for me._

_Alex has a best friend in California named Sara that she’d been devastated to leave on the west coast, or “best” coast as Alex calls it._

_What surprised me the most was how Alex spoke of her little sister, Kara, seven years younger and clearly the light of Alex’s life. She missed her sister the most since being here, and she tries to call her often._

_It was absolutely adorable, and it did absolutely nothing to quiet my interest in her._

_I now know more about Alex than I ever thought I would._

_It just makes me want to know more._

_Lena Luthor_

“All I wanted to do after that day was talk to you,” Alex says, causing the entire group to turn to look towards her instead of Lena. “I was just drawn to you, and I wanted to tell Kelly and Sam to go away so I could just talk to you.”

Lena’s smile is soft, the one that is only ever sent at Alex, when Lilly bursts into giggles.

“Auntie Sam and Auntie Kelly will not be ok with you telling them to go away,” Lilly giggles.

“It’s ok,” Alex laughs, “they know.”

“You didn’t realize then that you wanted to be more than friends?” Taylor asks, head tilting just like Lena’s does when she’s asking questions.

“I knew I thought she was gorgeous, but I guess us being an item at all was so far out of my realm of possibility that I don’t think I considered it too much,” Alex shrugs.

“It almost wasn’t,” Lena teases, “but you’ll have to all be quiet and let me read to figure that out.

_Wednesday, October 6, 2004_

_My heart is still pounding in my chest so I’m going to try to tell you this as closely as I possibly can._

_Alex asked me to come to her soccer game this weekend, and this is mostly how that conversation went because honestly I want to remember it one day too._

_“Hey Lena,” I heard her call after me right after class. I thought about pretending I didn’t hear her, still unfortunately stuck somewhere between wanting to spend every second with her and wanting to ignore the stares of the scornful around here._

_“I wanted to ask you something,” she said when she caught up, standing there wearing that same loosely tied tie that she wore daily._

_“We’ve got our first fall soccer game this weekend, and I was hoping you were going to be there.”_

_I was always planning to go. We don’t get nearly enough “normal teenager” time at this school. Anything that gets us outside and doing something that wasn’t school was worth the effort. The weather was still nice right now, not yet dipping into the bitter winter cold we get here so I was definitely planning on going. But, Alex doesn’t need to know that._

_“What time is it?” I asked her even though I knew._

_“It’s at one. They’re having a post game thing in the parking lot with like the team and somebodies Dad is grilling and stuff for everyone. Should be fun.” She says it like she doesn’t really know if it’ll be fun or not. She says it like she doesn’t really want to go at all. Alex has no idea the magnitude of the cookout in the parking lot she’s thinking of will actually be a catered block party that entirely too much money is spent on. She asks like it’ll make it just a little bit more bearable if I’m also there, but I may be reading into that too much._

_“I’d love to,” I tell her._

_That smile would have been enough to light up the entire school for months._

_And I feel helpless against it._

“I almost didn’t ask you to come to the game,” Alex says, looking more like the shy teenager that had asked Lena to come to the game than the older woman she now is.

“What?” Lena asks, clearly surprised. “Why?”

“I told my Mom about you and how nice you’d been to me, but I always felt like you were holding back. I was scared that I was just this pet project or something, and I didn’t want to end up on the wrong side of that,” Alex admits.

“Nanny Eliza convinced you to do it?” Taylor asks from her spot on the floor, Lilly looking up at them from her spot in her Mom’s lap like she’s hanging on every single word.

“She did. She told me I’d never make friends if I didn’t ask. I doubt she thought it’d lead to all of this,” Alex says, a soft smile on her face.

“Well,” Lena says, “I’m very thankful she told you to do it.”

_Saturday, October 9, 2004_

_First, I realize I forgot to sign my name last time. I know it’s me so whatever. Honestly, I was too excited about talking to Alex to remember, and I’ve got a lot to say about today._

_Per Sam’s explanation, this entry is going to be “thirsty” so Lex, if you have somehow gotten your hands on this journal, you should probably stop reading now or risk it if you must. Don’t say I didn’t warm you._

_Jude Law. Adam Brody. Orlando Bloom. Matt Damon. Jake Gyllenhaal. Brad Pitt. I could keep going, but these gorgeous men pale in comparison to what I saw today._

_Because Alex Danvers playing soccer is probably the single best thing I have ever seen that makes me completely understand why people drool and why wars are fought and why hearts get broken._

_I’ve seen Alex in her school uniform and more casual clothes, but I’ve never seen her in her soccer uniform. I’ve never seen the outline of the muscles of her thighs as she ran or the glimpse of abs when she lifted her shirt to wipe the sweat from her face._

_And she’d winked at me when she scored a goal. Or winked at the crowd. I don’t really know. Nor, do I care. But, I’m going to take this moment to be completely contrary to what my Mother would want me to be in this moment. Because I am absolutely smitten right now by a sweaty red head running around on a soccer field. Mother would fall over and die if she knew about any of this, but I just quite frankly do not care._

_I saw the way Sam and Kelly looked at me during the game, but I ignored it to watch Alex._

_I’ve never been athletic._

“Understatement,” Alex says, laughing.

Lena cuts a glance at her that makes Alex thankful she doesn’t have heat vision.

_I’ve never been athletic. I’ve never really enjoyed sports. But I think I’ll be watching soccer from now on._

_The cookout after made it feel like Alex was finally being accepted by this school and these people. Scoring the winning goal of the game had a lot to do with it. Fall soccer was just a warm up to the real season in the spring. Then, if the team won more and went further in tournaments, that was more exposure to the best recruiters for college teams. If Alex helped accomplish that, she was welcome. I can tell though, they don’t see her as one of them._

_I could feel it in the snide remarks about where she was from and what her parents did for a living. It was loudest when Mr. Taylor asked her if she had a boyfriend and completely turned away when she mentioned that they weren’t really her type._

_It was heartbreaking to watch at times because Alex is a good person, better than most of these people ever will be. She’s smart and athletic and nice, but without the money, that will never be enough for these people here._

_But, all of that aside as we usually have to do, today was incredible. Alex and I ate together. She walked me back to my dorm after it was over._

_It felt like a fairytale._

“You were thirsty Mom,” Taylor teases when Lena finishes reading the entry.

“The worst part,” Alex begins, “was that I really thought they all liked me. I thought that day I’d finally be a real part of the school and the people. I should have known.”

“You never need to be a part of those people,” Lena says, reaching her hand across to take Alex’s in hers. “You were always better than all of them.”

“Did you really wink at her during the game?” Jeremiah asks, entering the room. Clearly he’d been quietly listening from where he came in through the kitchen.

“I did,” Alex laughs. “I wanted to jump into the crowd and hug her, but I figured I should wait for the championship game in the spring to do something like that.”

“Would you have hugged her back?” Jeremiah asks.

Alex is the one that answers. “They would have kicked me out of that school on my butt if I’d even considered it.

“Still,” Lena says, “I couldn’t deny my crush after that day.”

_Tuesday, October 19, 2004_

_Alex asked me to come to her next game after class today. She said that I clearly gave her good luck last time, and that I should come again. Like I said before, I was always planning on going, but it felt like so much more to be asked to go._

_I don’t know why, but it makes me feel special. It makes me feel special to be the one that Alex wants there. I can’t say I really know why as I heard her specifically tell two other girls about the game, but it was just different the way she asked._

_I’ve noticed that she’s changed around me a bit lately. She seems just a touch more shy and maybe it’s my imagination, but she stands a little bit closer to me lately._

_Maybe I’m seeing things that I want to see, but I don’t think that matters._

_I really can’t wait to go to this game._

_Lena Luthor_

_Saturday, October 23, 2004_

_Today did not go the way I wanted it. I’m sitting here in my room right now, crying my eyes out for the last thirty minutes or so, and I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life._

_Alex scored two goals, ensuring a two to one victory for our team today. She was over the moon after the game, smiling like I’ve never seen her smile before in my life._

_The post-game party had been fun. Alex stuck close to Sam and me, but she wasn’t overly involved with the two of us. She talked to parents and board members and slowly continued to melt that ice cold façade of this group. It was nice to watch._

_That was until everything was winding down. Alex was walking with us to the point that the path went to her dorm and another went towards ours. Sam walked ahead a bit, and I know she was trying to be a good friend and not pry, but I also knew I was in for a world of teasing when Alex finally walked away._

_I told her she played a good game. She hesitated for a second before she hugged me, saying thank you for coming, as her surprisingly strong arms wrapped around me._

_Honestly, I could have stayed that way forever. I wanted her to hang on when she pulled back, keep her hands on my sides, but she let go. With a smile and a wave, she was off._

_I don’t know how long I stood there watching her walk away, but Sam clearing her throat made me turn around towards her to see Missy Carrington walking right at us, her pose of Samantha Bettingcourt and Natalie Kennedy right behind her._

_“Is that how they get the poor to attend the school now?” Missy sneered. “A promise of a sports scholarship and the arm candy of a Luthor?”_

_I wanted to slap her, honestly, but with Missy, it’s always best to ignore. She never seems to know when to stop though._

_“I bet the Luthor’s would be devastated to know the inclinations of their youngest child,” she continued. “I doubt that summer internship at Lord Corporation would still be offered to a disgraced genius who dared to step outside of her own crowd and stoop that low to find someone to date.”_

_“Come on Lena,” Sam had said, trying to get me to walk away._

_“What life do you think you’ll have with her Lena? Honestly? She’ll never have the money or the status of your family. You know it’s better to keep your perversions to yourself and put your head down before your future is ruined.”_

_They walked away before the tears were in my eyes, but in that moment, I knew she was right. Missy’s father sat on the board at Harvard, had attended Columbia as an undergraduate, and donated a considerable amount of money to Lord Corporation for project funding. He could absolutely ruin my internship and college future with just Missy’s words._

_I don’t know what bothers me more sitting here now, that they hate her because she’s a woman that likes women or that they hate her more because she doesn’t have as much money as the families here. It feels homophobic, obviously, but I think if she were the exact same Alex but rich, they’d treat her differently. People here don’t understand being with anyone that can’t improve your life in some way or give you access to more things. The worst thing about all of this is that my first reaction to all of it is to never talk to Alex again because deep down, I barely feel like I belong with these people. I don’t want to alienate myself further._

_Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a coward._

_Lena Luthor_

Lena can feel the emotion breaking up her voice, the entry transporting her right back to the moment that she felt so conflicted and afraid. She looks up with tears in her eyes, seeing Lilly yawning in her mother’s lap.

“Let’s get some lunch baby,” Lena tells her, “and then you can take a nap.”

“I’m a big girl,” Lilly protests, “I don’t need a nap.” But her entire family can see that she’ll be asleep in an hour regardless of what she says.

“I don’t want you to read more,” Lilly whines as Taylor scoops her up to head towards the kitchen.

“The next part is so boring,” Lena tells her. “It’s about Thanksgiving and Christmas break and nothing happens at all.”

“You won’t read past that?” Lilly asks, looking at her grandmother skeptically.

“I promise,” Lena tells her.

Lena knows there is a lot more to the next few entries than that, but she also knows they’re emotional and heavy for a child her age who still sees the good in everything in the world and has no understanding for the way things worked in those social circles back then.

Lena can’t help but step closer to Alex in the living room as the rest of the family funnels into the kitchen.

“I love you,” Alex whispers as she wraps her arms around Lena’s waist, still strong and firm even as they both get older.

Lena reaches her hand up to rest on Alex’s face, a face still so vibrant and happy, that smile the same with a few more wrinkles than when they’d met.

Being in Alex’s arms calms her instantly.

“I love you too,” Lena tells her, voice barely a whisper.

Alex kisses her hard, like the first time they’d ever kissed, even though they’ve shared millions of kisses since then, it always has the same effect. Lena feels loved, safe, calm.

Alex pulls away with one small kiss to Lena’s forehead, taking away all the emotion and shame that reading the journal entry had brought up, and replacing it with a gentle smile.

With Lilly down for a nap, Lena settles in to continue to read to Alex, Kara, Taylor, and Jeremiah, her nerves returning about what she knows is to come.

_Saturday, October 30, 2004_

_I’m sitting in my room trying to pretend to read while the soccer game goes on across campus. I’d debated going. Sam and Kelly still did, but I knew the attention it would draw._

_I’d avoided Alex almost completely this week, walking faster in the halls to get away from her after class, and partnering up with someone else in class._

_I hate this. I hate the way I feel right now._

_But, it’s no coincidence that a letter came today from Lord Corporation about maintaining my grades and academic competitiveness during this school year to ensure that my spot in their internship remained the same. That was without a doubt a small threat, courtesy of Missy’s family to make sure I stayed in line and didn’t tarnish the reputation of those who dared associate with me._

_I can almost see Alex looking into the crowd and wondering why I’m not there. It breaks my heart, but this isn’t the first time I’ve made a sacrifice because of my family. I’m sure it won’t be the last time either._

_Lena Luthor_

_Friday, November 12, 2004_

_I thought I’d be able to avoid Alex until Thanksgiving break, but she was persistent for sure._

_That is what lead to the knock on my door today, and I hate to admit that I almost didn’t want to let her into my room. I didn’t want anyone to see her leave, which made me feel worse. But I knew I owed her an explanation._

_There she was, wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt, officially allowed to now that the day was over, and I was struck by how good she looked dressed so casually. But I didn’t have any right to actually think that currently._

_“You’ve been avoiding me,” Alex says. Her tone wasn’t exactly accusatory, but she clearly was upset._

_“I’m sorry,” I had tried to say, but she stopped me._

_“Look, I know what this is Lena. I know what I am to everyone here. I don’t have the family background that you all do. I don’t have the money or the status or whatever the fuck else it is that matters here. But, I thought you were different.”_

_It’s like a blow to the chest that hurts me deep to my core at the accusation. Being different from these people is something that I’ve always prided myself on, but here I was, being one of the same monsters to Alex._

_“I thought I could win a few games and eventually fit in here. Hell, I thought I’d done it last weekend when I got accepted to Lord Corporation for an internship this summer, but I guess I’ll never get close to being level with you all.”_

_That hits hard again. Alex deserves one of those internships, but I’ve been in this world long enough to know what it means. I’d already been casually reminded that they could take my internship away. Alex having one too meant that I was even more required to stay in line because they’d take Alex’s too. It was the undercut way that the rich used their influence to keep those in their ranks in line because one bad apple ruined them all._

_Now, knowing this, it didn’t matter what I wanted. It didn’t matter what I thought about any of that or the feeling of rebellion bubbling in my stomach._

_I’d comply, or they’d make me. The threat was there for me, easily recognizable. Luckily, Alex didn’t know it._

_“I just think it’d be best if we keep some distance for now,” I said, and the words felt like throwing a knife right at her._

_“When we get back from Thanksgiving, we still have to work on our project together. But if this is what you want, I’ll keep my distance.”_

_I watched her stand there, completely unable to say a word. I couldn’t confirm that was what I wanted because it wasn’t. But I couldn’t ask her to stay either._

_“Have a good thanksgiving,” she had said before she walked out, the door slamming shut behind her._

_I didn’t care if anyone saw her leaving my room. All I cared about then was the ache in my heart, the same hurt that I saw on Alex’s face as she’d walked away._

_It was just another thing I had to give up for the Luthor name._

_Lena Luthor_

“What did you think when you left Mama?” Jeremiah asks.

“I wasn’t surprised honestly,” Alex answers. “I never expected to really have an easy time there. I’d gotten my hopes up with Lena, Sam, and Kelly. Walking back to my room that day I just felt stupid for thinking that. But I never blamed Lena because after being there for the first month of school, I knew how it worked.

Alex looks up at her with a soft smile. She can see the hurt in her eyes even now, and it makes her heart ache just like it did so many years ago.

_Monday, November 29, 2004_

_I met Alex in the library today to work on our project, agreeing it was best to meet in public for it. I was both looking forward to seeing her and nervous as hell about it._

_Overall, it went fine. We mostly focused on the work we needed to do, but I felt on edge the entire time. I met eyes with every person that looked at us, made sure I didn’t touch Alex at all, made sure I wasn't sitting too close. I made sure to only laugh softly when she made a comment._

_Our project was good, without a doubt going to get us an A, but I couldn’t wait to be done. Because honestly, I couldn’t stand the way I felt sitting there with her. I wanted to fully interact with Alex. I wanted to flirt with her. Instead I was stuck pretending like I could not care less about her. It hurt me. I could tell it hurt her._

_And I felt like the worst human in existence for doing it._

_I wasn’t sure I could feel worse until Alex asked me if I had plans for the break. I should have told her we’d have dinner with whoever my Mother deemed most important to be around this year. I’d be expected to speak when spoken to only, mention nothing controversial, and pretend to be interested in whatever rich man who wanted to talk to me about his son. I just told her we’d have dinner as a family._

_Then, she’d mentioned how excited she was to see Sara, the best friend back home. Having dinner with the Danvers and Sara’s family was a tradition that started with an early morning surf even as the water chilled, a small lunch, and a dinner with enough food to feed a million people. Alex had two things planned for her break: spend as much time with her sister and Sara as she could. The entire week of Christmas would be filled with Christmas carols, picking out a tree and decorating it, making cookies, and Christmas movies. It sounded like heaven._

_I never imaged I could be jealous of someone I’d never met, but I know that Sara certainly isn’t afraid to be friends with Alex. Because of it, I’ll never be as close to Alex as she is._

_For some reason, it felt like Alex could sense my inner turmoil. So, she asked me if I wanted to come over that next weekend to study for exams._

_My first instinct was to say no until Alex said that she’d make sure no one saw me going into or out of her room. The way she looked down when she said it broke my heart. Now, as I write this, I feel absolutely terrible about this._

_So, I said yes because clearly I can’t stay away and clearly I like torturing myself._

_I never thought getting to spend time with Alex would be something that I both dreaded and looked forward to. Deep down, I couldn’t wait._

“Do you want to know why I asked you to do that even though I knew you were mostly avoiding me?” Alex asks.

“I’m not sure I do,” Lena tells her.

“Well, I do,” Jeremiah says, followed by a chorus of “me too” from Taylor and Kara.

“I thought that I could still get to know the real you in a less social situation, and I guess somewhere deep down I thought I still had a chance of making you my friend."

“Well, that clearly worked,” Taylor says, laughing at the sappy look her Moms exchange.

_Saturday, December 4, 2004_

_I just made it back to my dorm with about two minutes to spare before curfew, and honestly, I’m still trying to catch my breath from the sprint I’d done across campus._

_First, Alex’s room is completely different than mine. Same general set up, basically a large square with three doors in mine and two in Alex’s. For mine one is an entrance, one a closet, and one a small bathroom I share with my suite mate next door, the bathroom connecting our rooms. Alex has the entrance door and a closet. Her building has a more communal bathroom style with one bathroom for every four rooms that is directly across the hall._

_The difference isn’t really due to architecture though. It’s style._

_My room is neat, a side effect of Lillian constantly ensuring that everything in our home meets her expectations of presentation. My bed has expensive light pink sheets with a floral duvet. I make my bed every morning. I have two dressers on one wall that contain my clothes that aren’t hanging in the closet. I have a small refrigerator and storage container for drinks and snacks. My desk is on the third wall with a neatly arranged bookshelf to it’s right and an organizer that contains all of my school supplies on the left. There are small decorative items on the wall but nothing else._

_Alex’s room looks more like a hurricane hit it. Her bed sheets are dark blue with a duvet cover that is the same color. The bed looks like it hasn’t been made once during the school year. She too has dresser drawers, but there is a considerable amount of her clothing on the floor and hanging over the desk chair. Her desk is another story entirely. Alex has a bookshelf with barely any books on it. Because they’re scattered all over the floor with papers and half written notes. It’s a look into how her mind works. The true difference is that Alex has a few posters on the wall that say Mia Hamm, and I have no idea who that is. A soccer player clearly. What dominates the room are pictures of family members and friends. Alex points out her Mom, Dad, and her sister Kara. Sara’s the blonde is most of the pictures. I didn’t realize until then how truly close the two are._

_Alex had to put some things onto her dresser to give us both room to study, but we passed the time in relative silence only speaking to ask each other a question or review something._

_I didn’t actually need to study for exams. Alex didn’t either. But I’d pretend to study in any room with Alex._

_We even studied different. I could sit there for hours looking over whatever I needed to. Alex was constantly moving, getting up to grab a drink, tapping her pencil, scribbling something on paper, tossing one book to the side to grab another. It was a boundless energy that I don’t think I’ll ever understand._

_When she finally suggested pizza and a movie, I was absolutely ok with giving up the charade of studying._

_We weren’t allowed to have TVs in our rooms so Alex pulled one up on her computer and sat it on her dresser while we got comfortable on her bed with at least a foot between us._

_Alex left to get the pizza from the delivery driver, leaving me leaning against the wall, sitting on her bed, and looking at Alex’s smiling face in each photo._

_We’d eaten as the movie played and gotten comfortable after. I’d fallen asleep with my head leaning on Alex’s pillow, body contorted in a position that would make anyone sore if they slept like that all night._

_Clearly, Alex had fallen asleep too which is why the 7:45 startled wake up had sent me gathering books and sprinting to get back into my room by 8 PM to make curfew._

_Now that I’m in my room, I honestly have no idea if anyone saw me leave Alex’s room._

_I hope not._

“That story went differently than I thought it was going to go,” Taylor says, breaking Lena out of her thought process about that night.

“How did you think it was going to go?” Alex asks.

At the disgusted look on both Taylor and Jeremiah’s face, Alex can’t help but laugh. “Oh shut up. We studied and fell asleep. We weren’t even touching each other.

“I’d like to stop talking about this,” Kara says before Alex can get out the words that she wants to say. Lena can tell from the mischievous look on her wife’s face that they’d be anything but PG words.

_Thursday, December 9, 2004_

_Alex hugged me today when we left our last final. She told me to have a good break and actually hugged me. I should have cared that people were around, but I didn’t. I think I melted into that hug._

_Now I’m sitting here, getting my things together to go home for the next month, and all I can think about is how it felt to have her arms wrapped around me._

_Because, honestly, it just felt right._

_Lena Luthor_

“And it still does,” Alex says, smiling at her wife.

“You guys are still so gross,” Taylor says, but there isn’t much malice behind it.

“I wish I could tell you that this next entry is a happy one,” Lena says.

“Read this one before Lilly wakes up, and we’ll all go get some dinner and ice cream,” Alex suggests. They all know that’ll be a win for Lilly.

_Wednesday, December 29, 2004_

_I caved and called Alex today, and I’m not proud to admit that I lied about having a question about the work we are supposed to do over break. Really, I just wanted to know how her Christmas was._

_So, I’d asked the question first about the homework and then asked about her break._

_Then, she told me something that made me regret calling her at all._

_She’d had a great Christmas. She told me what her parents got her as a gift. She told me about watching Kara open her presents, insisting that it needed to be done at five in the morning. Then, she told me that Sara kissed her, standing on Alex’s back porch on Christmas night._

_I don’t think I said much after that, just told her I had to go and hung up._

_Because whatever I thought might have been building between us clearly can’t compete with this. Why would Alex want someone who wouldn’t even hang out with her in public instead of her best friend that clearly had no hesitation at all about it?_

_I ruined it, and I hate myself for it._

_Lena Luthor_


	4. Afterglow

“This next part is pretty sad,” Lena says, eyes already glassy at the memories. Alex’s nod in her direction is an acknowledgement of it, but she turns to Lilly instead.

“Come here bug,” Alex says, moving carefully as Lilly climbs into her lap. When she settles Alex’s hands cover hers, pulling her close. “This next part is kind of sad, but I don’t want you to be sad.”

“Why is it sad Nana?”

“Sometimes when you love someone and you’re young, it’s hard to figure all of that out. You’ll have people in your life that disagree with your choices, and it’s hard when you’re young to determine which of those people you should listen to.”

“Like how I listen to you, Grandma, and Mommy, but I don’t listen to Teddy at preschool because he gets me in trouble?” Lilly asks, causing a ripple of laugher in the rest of the room.

“Exactly, but some people don’t realize they shouldn’t listen to Teddy as early as you have. Does that make sense?”

“I think so,” Lilly says, turning to look at Lena.

“If you have questions,” Lena says, “please ask.”

“I will,” Lilly answers.

Lena thinks about it for a moment, wondering if Lilly is too young to hear some of this, but she also knows that completely shading her from negativity won’t help her in the future. She takes a deep breath, looking at the pages that are tinged with sadness with just a small ray of hope intertwined.

_Sunday, January 16, 2005_

_I still haven’t been able to stop thinking about Alex and Sara kissing. It has been weeks since that conversation, and I haven’t talked to Alex once. My imagination though has been filled with her._

_I haven’t been able to get her and Sara out of my head. Images of them standing on the beach, walking hand in hand, kissing on Alex’s porch play through my mind like I’m watching a movie about them. Honestly, I’ve lost it. I don’t know if any of that is actually happening, but I know it’s what Alex deserves. There is a part of me that wishes it was me. But, so much comes with it being me that Alex doesn’t need in her life._

_It doesn’t stop the warmth I feel about seeing her tomorrow. It doesn’t stop the hope I feel that just maybe we can find a way to be friends; that I can have Alex in some way and still fit in here where I need to._

_The possibility of that seems to be less and less each time I think about it._

_Alex doesn’t seem like the type to hold a grudge, but how do you react to someone who told you they couldn’t be your friend or anything else because of who you loved? I’d never speak to someone again who did that._

_I just hope she can understand everything that I’m dealing with here, the struggle I feel, and really, I hope we can get past it._

_Lena Luthor_

“What changed?” Taylor asks before Lena can start reading the next line.

Lena tilts her head in slight confusion, causing her daughter to continue. “In the last entry, it was clear that you liked Alex but couldn’t because of everything else, but it didn’t seem like you were as sad then. What changed?”

“I think,” Lena says, taking a deep breath before she rushes it out, “I think I held on to this hope that maybe I could get there, that I’d keep falling until none of the other things mattered. I never even considered someone else getting in the way of that. And selfishly, I never considered that she wouldn’t wait for me.”

“Teenagers,” Alex says with a small laugh.

Taylor looks like she wants to ask more, but she stops, letting Lena continue to read.

_Monday, January 17, 2005_

_Today wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had in my life. Our classical literature teacher revealed who we’d be studying that semester. We’d be studying the Bronte sisters: Emily, Charlotte, and Anne. We’d read Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Agnes Grey, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Shirley, and Villette. Our assignments over the semester would be to study the historical context of these novels as it related to what women were doing around the world at that same time. Interesting subject matter for sure, but it’d be a considerable amount of work._

_In psychology, we learned that this semester would focus on abnormal psychology with specific focus on anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, neurodevelopmental disorders, neurocognitive disorders, and personality disorders. The best of all? Our semester project would be to take an assigned serial killer and write about how they fit into any of these categories or even how they didn’t. The entire class seemed excited about that one. Again though, it’d be a lot of work._

_Alex didn’t say anything to me until lunch. Because Sam was meeting with her guidance counselor and Kelly had been delayed from returning to school due to bad weather, I was left sitting alone. I watched Alex sit her tray down with her teammates before she walked over to me without it. A clear indication that she wasn’t going to stay long._

_“Hey,” she said, smiling at me like there wasn’t a gap between us that felt like we couldn’t actually get through it. “How was your Christmas?”_

_“Good, yours?” I’d asked her, both wanting to say more and end the conversation at the same time._

_“Not bad,” she’d answered before she’d nodded her head and stood up without another word, walking back over to join her teammates that seemed a lot more interested in Alex this semester than just a month ago. I’m sure that related to the upcoming spring season starting in April in which Alex would likely have the stands packed with supporters._

_Biology and geometry went by with me feeling more and more mad with each passing moment. I felt special during class last semester when Alex would smile at me, send me a wink, want to partner up. It felt empty without her doing it. I guess I hadn’t realized how engrained in my day she had become._

_Truthfully, I knew that Alex didn’t owe me anything. But, there had been this chemistry building between us that if it had continued to be fed would likely have blown up. Maybe in this intense passion, maybe in an explosion that left us both hurt from it. It’s impossible to tell. Lex was right, young love really is irrational._

_All I’ve been able to think about now is her and Sara._

_As I was writing that last sentence, someone knocked on my door. When I’d opened it, I hadn’t expected to be met with Alex’s sad eyes, but there she was._

_“Hey,” she said, smiling softly. “I don’t know what I did to you, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”_

_I wanted to say something, wanted to reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong, that we were fine and things weren’t as complicated as they actually were. When the words didn’t come, I let her walk away without a word. Honestly, it felt like I’d thrown a sucker punch at her without even putting gloves on. My heart ached at the sadness on her face, but what was I supposed to do? It was better for us both to be nothing, regardless of what I wanted._

_And of course Alex, valiant and true Alex would think she was the one to blame for how I was treating her. She was too good of a person to consider that I just sucked and was throwing essentially a tantrum over her liking someone else._

_This is so excruciating and truthfully so over dramatic from my end._

_Lena Luthor_

“Over dramatic isn’t a stretch,” Taylor says. “What were you thinking during all of that Mama?”

“I was confused really. Before we left for break there seemed to be this like truce with Lena. We were friendly, doing homework together, and I just thought we were good. I didn’t think she’d make me feel so awkward and awful when we got back.”

“Why’d you say sorry Nana?” Lilly asks, small eyes moving from Lena to Alex to Taylor and back.

“Sometimes bug you apologize even when you maybe aren’t completely in the wrong. Sometimes we say sorry to try to get through things to move on even if we did’t necessary cause the problem in the first place.”

“Like when Auntie Kara told me it was ok to ride my bike down that big hill and I got hurt so she said she was sorry?”

“Yes, similar to that,” Alex says with a light laugh. “Does that make sense?”

“I think so,” Lilly says, head turning back towards Lena. “Daddy always says teenagers are crazy.”

It’s a moment that breaks the slight tension in the room, leaving them all laughing quietly, enough of a break to be ready to continue listening to the story.

_Wednesday, January 19, 2005_

_Two days without a single word to or from Alex._

_Things were definitely different between Alex and her other teammates. Even Missy Carrington seemed to be interacting with Alex just like she interacted with the rest of the girls. It was a stark difference, and I couldn’t help but wonder what changed. I’d never consider Missy to have good intentions._

_But the silence still felt deafening, leaving me in tears last night because of course the second I decide to do something for myself, to actually be friends with Alex, I take that option away completely with my behavior. Sam told me before I was my own worst enemy._

_It makes me feel stupid really, getting caught up in teenage romantic entanglements. It’s something that Lex would scoff at, something my father would insist would distract me from my studies. Something wholly unnecessary for a girl who would end up in just short of an arranged marriage. Sure, I’d get to pick who, but the choices they’d accept would be limited._

_But, it hasn’t stopped the thoughts of her from playing over and over and over in my head._

_Lena Luthor_

_Monday, January 31, 2005_

_Tomorrow I’m going to talk to Alex. I can’t take this anymore. At most, I want her as a friend. At the very least, I want to be able to do school work with her, just to learn and bounce ideas off of her. I’m determined to at least make that happen._

_Lena Luthor_

_Tuesday, February 1, 2005_

_I waited for her after class at the end of the day and asked if she wanted to go on a walk with me. When she’d said yes, I was thrilled. Before we left, Missy Carrington told Alex not to forget about their study date. What the hell is going on in this school?_

_“I owe you an apology,” I’d said as we walked through the cold weather, slowly following the path that went towards my dorm. “I shouldn’t have shut you out like that.”_

_“I just don’t know what I did,” Alex had said, her long red hair poking out from under the beanie on top of her head._

_“You didn’t do anything. I let everyone here get in my head. I didn’t want to risk what they’d think about us being friends. I know it’s stupid, but this stupid stuff matters here.”_

_“I get it. I do, and I have to admit that it hurt,” Alex said. I felt the sting of that one deep in my gut, realizing now that I’d put Alex in jail for something she didn’t even do. Then, it hit me. Alex’s parents, friends, and other family had not rejected her for being gay, but I had. Likely the first person that had._

_“I’m truly sorry. For my entire life I’ve had to live up to the expectations of what everyone else wanted. My brother, Lex, he’d been the smartest person to ever grace the halls of the boy’s boarding school across town. Lillian, my Mother, has always set these expectations that I’d keep the family name intact, go to an Ivy League school, and marry someone that would further our family name. My father wants me to take over Luthor Corp one day, follow in his footsteps, marry someone that could further the company. I got so caught up in that.”_

_“Look,” Alex said, “I get it. I really do, but I don’t think marriage is something we have to worry about right now.”_

_Alex laughs lightly, trying to break the tension. Overall, I feel so awful that it’s impossible to do so. There had been a long pause where we just walked, other students passing by, the wind picking up at times, both of us pulling our coats tighter._

_“It was just after I found out that you were with Sara, I didn’t know what to do or think. And I know all of this is mostly in my head, but I was afraid of where we were going and sad that it was over before I ever gave it a chance to begin.”_

_“Wait,” Alex asked, stopping to turn to me, “what about Sara?”_

_“She kissed you during Christmas. I assume you two are together now.”_

_“No,” Alex said, “we aren’t. We agreed that we should just be best friends.”_

_I really am an idiot. I’d given Alex the cold shoulder for nothing really, nothing but my own fears and desires to keep my social image intact._

_“Can we be friends?” I had asked quietly, knowing that a no would kill me._

_“I’d like that,” had been the response, the best one I could hope for._

_Our goodbye at the entrance to my dorm had felt like Alex was being pulled away from me, even though that characteristic smirk that I hadn’t seen in months was on her face._

_Now, I’m sitting here writing this, wondering how in the hell this entire thing could have gotten so twisted._

_More than anything, I hope that by morning I have some resolution with everything with this._

_Do I want to be her friend? Yes._

_Do I want to be more than her friend? Yes._

_Could I handle just being friends and never seeing what this spark is between us?_

_I honestly have no idea._

_Lena Luthor_

Lilly is fast asleep in Alex’s arms when Lena looks up.

“Do you want me to take her?” Taylor asks, speaking softly.

“No, it’s ok,” Alex says. “This is probably a good time to break. Let her nap and we will get some food. If I remember correctly, Lilly is going to want to hear the next few.”

It takes a bit of support from Taylor for Alex to stand with Lilly in her arms. When Alex returns from putting Lilly to bed, her smile at Lena is soft.

“Is it me or is she getting heavier?” Alex asks.

“She is getting heavier, but I think you’re also getting older dear.”

“Please,” Alex scoffs. “I’ve carried you many places over the years. I could still pick you up and take you right to bed right now.”

Lena knows it likely isn’t true. Sure, Alex could pick her up, but carrying her that far would be a stretch. Instead, Lena steps closer to press into Alex, Alex’s hands moving to her hips.

Lena’s hands land on Alex’s shoulders, fingers working through her hair on autopilot, a place that she’s touched a million times before.

“Your children are in the next room,” Lena says, lips already brushing Alex’s.

Alex leans in then, pressing into Lena with a kiss that makes her feel butterflies in her stomach still, like she’s flying like the first time they’d ever done this.

Alex’s hands are strong as she makes a point of picking Lena up, spinning her around a few times before she gingerly sets her down, that same wild grin on her face that made Lena fall for her in the first place.

“See, I can still do it,” Alex says, leaning in for another quick kiss.

“I didn’t doubt that baby,” Lena says softly. “I was just hoping you’d do it.”

She can tell from the look in Alex’s eyes that if the kids weren’t there, they’d be tumbling into bed, wrapped up in each other and lost to the outside world.

“Do you two ever stop being gross?” Taylor says when she comes back into the living room, sounding like a teenager more than a grown up.

“No, we don’t,” Alex answers, eyes still locked with Lena’s.”

“Let’s not have a repeat of what happened when I was sixteen,” Taylor says, still turning as red as a tomato at the memory of it.

“Oh, stop it,” Lena tells her. “You were supposed to be out. How were we supposed to know you’d come home early?”

Alex laughs at the look on Taylor’s face. Their daughter turns, quickly heading into the kitchen, but Alex and Lena stay wrapped in each other, Lena’s head gently leaning on Alex’s shoulder, happy to just stay that way forever.

__

After Lilly’s nap and lunch, Lilly is geared up to be read to again. The rain falling outside prevents them from insisting that she gets some fresh air, but she promises that they’ll play a game later that is at least a little educational.

_Wednesday, February 2, 2005_

_Today in classical literature our profession said we’d be starting with Jane Eyre. To which Alex responded, “all day eyre day.” I might have been the only one to laugh at such a terrible joke, but Alex winked at me. God, I really, really, really missed that wink._

_Lena Luthor_

”That’s a terrible joke,” Jeremiah and Kara say at the same time.

_Friday, February 4, 2005_

_Alex threw an actual snowball at me today. We’d only gotten a dusting of an inch or two, but it was enough to clump together for her to throw an actual snowball right at me, causing it to break across my jacket and get in my hair._

_I didn’t have a chance at all to actually get close to her as I ran towards her, smiling too hard at the smile on Alex’s face. My mother would be absolutely scandalized that I was currently running through the snow towards Alex as she frantically scooped up more snow to throw at me._

_It was probably the most fun I’ve had in years._

_I stopped short in front of her. Alex already had her arm back, ready to hit me point blank with a snowball._

_“Don’t you dare Alex Danvers,” I told her._

_“What are you going to do?” She asked, taking a step towards me._

_Because we were so close, she crashed the snowball into the front of my jacket, making it go everything._

_“You jerk,” I said, with absolutely no malice and clear flirting._

_Alex’s laugh was all I head, her cheeks red from the cold, still smiling at me._

_I’m not sure what would have continued if we didn’t need to get to our next class. As we walked back towards the sidewalk to take us our separate ways, I saw Missy Carrington watched us out of the corner of her eye._

_Let her watch._

_Lena Luthor_

“I really wanted to tackle you into the snow,” Alex says.

“Playing in the snow is so fun,” Lilly says, grinning.

“Not getting hit in the face with a snow ball,” Lena says.

“Yeah, you were so upset about it, weren’t you?” Alex asks, already leaning towards her.

“So upset,” Lena says, leaning the rest of the way to kiss Alex softly.

“You two are so extra today,” Kara says, but they ignore her in favor of one more sweet kiss.

_Tuesday, February 8, 2005_

_Alex sat with us at lunch today to talk about one of our group projects that Alex, Sam, Kelly, and I were all working on. I saw Missy constantly looking over her shoulder to watch us, but I still haven’t been able to figure out what her actual problem is._

_I felt closer to Alex today than I have in a long time. Just watching her laugh and joke with Kelly and Sam felt right, felt like she’d been sitting with us at that table everyday since we came to this school._

_It just deepened my crush. I didn’t think the good mood I felt would fade._

_But then Mother called. Shockingly, I don’t think she has ever called me, and I didn’t end up in a bad mood after. This time though, the information she had made it clear why Missy Carrington seemed to be so upset._

_It had gotten around to the powers that be that Maxwell Lord, owner of Lord Corporation, had a special project set aside this summer for some of his interns. There were ten spots a summer for internships for high school students, almost guaranteed entry into the college or your choice and the job of your choice after if you got one. It was a big, big deal. What didn’t usually happen is the students working on anything of much value, mostly doing the grunt work for the college interns on their projects._

_This time, Maxwell Lord had something special in mind. Four of the interns he’d selected would be doing the work that no one really knew about yet. Those four people? Three had been decided. Jacob Livingston from the same school Lex attended was one of them. He’d already been accepted into MIT and was someone most of us already knew. The other two? Alex and myself. The fourth was yet to be determined, but it seemed to be between Missy and another boy that went to Dr. Lord’s own science predatory school._

_It all clicked then. Dr. Lord wasn’t going to resend their internships if he had this in mind no matter what Missy’s father said. Missy’s upper hand to control our relationship was now completely out the window. Best of all? Missy having a good relationship with the two of us could be what got her into this special project. I realized as I hung up that I had absolutely no idea what this project would entail – probably a significant amount of work – but two things were true. I would get to spend so much of the summer with Alex. Better than that, so many of the hurdles between the two of us were removed. If Alex was on this project, her future was secured in our world. Because of that, maybe, just maybe my parents wouldn’t consider the two of us together such a problem._

_It opened up the future to a lot of possibilities._

_Lena Luthor_

_Friday, February 11, 2005_

_Alex asked me out for Valentine’s Day today!!! Well, sort of. It’s on Monday. She asked me to hang out with her on Sunday – work on some homework and maybe watch a movie actually, but it was still really close to her asking me out for Valentine’s Day._

_I’m trying to stay composed and not freak out, but I’m freaking out quite a bit._

_Should I get her something? I definitely need to clean my room._

_I need to talk to Sam and Kelly right now._

_Lena Luthor_

“What were the rules at this place?” Jeremiah asks.

“Mostly pretty simple. We had the dress code. You could only miss classes for specific excuses and being sick required a doctor’s note. We had to do 100 hours of community service a semester and had to maintain an A- equivalent GPA and couldn’t get more than two B+ before we were no longer able to attend there.”

“And you could only eat in the cafeteria?” Kara asks.

“No,” Alex says, shaking her head. “Meals in the cafeteria were included in tuition, but we also had a coffee shop that sold bagels and sandwiches. There were a few places within walking distance of campus, and we could get food delivered.”

“But you had a curfew?” Taylor asks.

“Yes, during the week we had a curfew. During the weekend, it was just a little bit later. Basically, we had to be in our own rooms at that curfew, but I don’t recall anyone ever actually checking. Unless a stray fire alarm got you caught,” Alex laughs.

”That’s a story for another time,” Lena says to the curious faces looking back at her.

“So you couldn’t have sleepovers?” Lilly asks, scandalized by this.

“Boys weren’t allowed in the dorm rooms at all, but they could be on campus. The only time we were able to stay in each other’s rooms were with approval like if someone was sick or had something happen in their family that was sad,” Lena tells her.

“And, with snow days,” Lena says grinning over at Alex.

_Sunday, February 13, 2005_

_I’m going to be honest here. I’m writing this on Monday afternoon, but I want to write down what happened yesterday._

_Alex and I worked on homework for hours, spending entirely too much time on our serial killer projects and not our classical literature project. Alex’s project was on Nannie Doss, mine was on Richard Ramirez. It wasn’t a fun conversation to have, but I found myself listening quietly as Alex talked on and on and on about the background of the case._

_Finally, we got to actually doing some work on our classical literature project, mainly swapping ideas and forming initial ideas about what we were going to do our projects on._

_The snow had already started to fall quite a bit when we walked across campus to the café to get hot chocolate and sandwiches. It felt strange to be in public with Alex after being in my room with her for hours that day. It felt like someone was interrupting our time and invading our space._

_The snow was much heavier when we got back to my room._

_We sat in silence as Alex pulled up a movie on her computer, both sitting on my bed. I felt like I couldn’t move honestly, not sure where to sit or what to do. Like always though, Alex was effortless in how she handled things._

_We both ended up with our backs to the wall, feet pointing down the length of my bed, with the computer between us. We had pillows everywhere and a blanket. There was barely any space between us which made me have a really hard time paying attention to the movie itself, instead focusing on wanting to be close to Alex while not wanting to freak her out._

_About halfway through the movie our phones lit up with a text message from the school number. Classes were cancelled for the next day. Students were to stay where they were, avoid going outside due to the blizzard like conditions, and to call campus security if any food or other resources were needed._

_We only got about twenty more minutes into the movie before the power went off, a minute or two passing in complete darkness before the generator kicked on that supplied heat and a small light by the door._

_I could already hear the other girls in the hallway, planning sleepovers and a night of ghost stories and junk food overindulgence, but I was content to just stay there with Alex._

_“Tell me about your childhood,” I asked in the darkness, breaking the silence in the room._

_Alex launched into a story then about her parents having her, how she grew up constantly around science and exploration, when Sara moved to town, ending with the unexpected addition of Kara to their family. It was idyllic, nothing like the stiff family I grew up in._

_“Is Sara the only girl you’ve ever kissed?” I found myself asking, both wanting to know and not wanting to know._

_“No,” Alex said with a slight laugh. “My first kiss was Billy Edwards when I was seven, and I punched him and told him to never touch me again. My second kiss was Molly Smith when I was eleven after she dared me to jump out of a small tree, and I did. I realized I was gay when I spent a lot of time kissing Maggie Johnston when I was fourteen. What about you?”_

_I can’t help but laugh then. “I’ve only kissed two boys in my life. Judson Kennedy when I was seven and Taylor Rockefeller when I was fourteen. My parents didn’t see the need to have me around that many children for such frivolous things.”_

_We talked, for what felt like hours about everything from our favorite colors to our favorite bands to our hopes and dreams and where we were considered going to college. I think I could have talked to her all night, but I know Alex saw me yawning._

_“We should sleep,” she said. “I’ll just get a blanket and a pillow and sleep on the floor.”_

_“You don’t need to do that,” I told her._

_I sat quietly on my bed while Alex borrowed one of my new toothbrushes. When she came out of the bathroom she was wearing the t-shirt she’d had on and mid thigh briefs, what she’d been wearing under her jeans._

_“Is this ok?” Alex asked. “I can sleep in jeans.”_

_“No need,” I told her._

_We moved around each other quietly then. I used the restroom with the light from my phone to wash my face, brush my teeth, and change clothes._

_When I came out of the bathroom, Alex was standing there in her pajamas, holding something that I couldn’t make out due to the lack of light at her side._

_“I hope this isn’t dumb,” Alex said as she handed me a box. When I took it from her, I knew it was a box of chocolate._

_Somehow the chocolate ended up on the table. I can’t exactly remember what the thoughts were that went through my head, but I found myself surging forward, lips crashing into Alex’s as our noses bumped together. She steadied me, arms wrapping around my waist, as I found my lips pressed against hers. She didn’t let go as I pulled away slightly. She was grinning at me like she couldn’t believe it had happened. I personally couldn’t believe I’d done it either._

_I wanted to say something, but that stopped when she leaned in to kiss me again._

_My first kiss when I was seven had been just a press of lips between little kids. My second when I was fourteen and been an inexperienced attempt at trying to make out with someone who also hadn’t kissed many people before and ended when he tried to put his hand up my shirt. Then, I was lost in Alex._

_Her lips were so soft, hands warm against my back even with my shirt between us. I’m not sure what I expected, but Alex’s tongue sliding across my lip and into my mouth absolutely wasn’t it._

_I think this is what they make movies about, the kiss that makes the woman’s knee bend up as she’s swept off her feet. That’s how it felt too, stirring feelings in me that I’m not sure I ever had for anyone in the past._

_We didn’t stop kissing when we’d gotten in bed either, using the cover to hide us in our own world where we could kiss, where I could run my fingers through Alex’s hair and scratch across her scalp, where her hands could roam my back over the top of my shirt until we were both breathless._

_“Goodnight Alex,” I told her when we finally settled down together._

_“Goodnight,” she told me with a gentle kiss to my forehead._

_I’m in so much trouble._

_Lena Luthor_

“Why am I not surprised that your first kiss together was a make out session in the dark during a power outage?” Taylor asks.

“Kissing is so yucky,” Lilly adds, leaving them all laughing.

_Monday, February 14, 2005_

_When we woke up this morning, I wasn’t sure what I expected. What I got was Alex, smiling at me after brushing her teeth and putting her jeans back on, the all clear given just an hour ago that the sidewalks were clear enough to go outside if needed._

_“So,” Alex said smiling at me, “you’ll be my Valentine?”_

_“I’d love to,” I told her._

_She kissed me again then, soft and slow and sweet. When I opened the door for her to leave, I didn’t want her to go. I stood there anyway, watching her walk down the hallway towards the front door._

_Just as Alex walked by, Missy Carrington’s door opened. I watched her see Alex and turn to look at me standing in my doorway._

_She shut her door quickly, but I saw the look on her face._

_Honestly, I didn’t care. All I wanted then and all I want now is to spend more time kissing Alex._

_Lena Luthor_

“I still want to spend all of my time kissing you,” Alex says, leaning over to kiss Lena delicately.

“Ew,” comes a chorus from her family sitting around them.

“You all can leave,” Alex teases before she kisses Lena one more time.

She hasn’t been tired of kissing her since that first one, and Alex knows she’ll never be tired of getting to be the one that kisses Lena whenever she wants.


End file.
